Monday, October 15, 2012

Parents: What to do when you come home with your new vehicle.

When I was pregnant with my 4th child my husband and I decided it was time for a suburban, or a bus as I lovingly refer to it. We were already borrowing my mom's when we all had to go somewhere because we couldn't fit our oldest child between the two car seats in the vehicle we had, a midsize SUV. Why not a minivan you ask? Cause I hate them. Whenever my truck is being worked on that's the loaner they always give me cause it's the only thing they ever have that will haul my crew. I hate them. I can get bales of hay and baseball stuff in the back of my suburban. I don't care what my minivan mom friends say, you just think you can fit a lot in there, but if you've never owned a suburban, or yukon xl, or whatever version, then you have no idea. And you just can't go back to something smaller. My mom still gets a new one every few years and she has no children at home. Sure comes in handy on trips and when she has her grandkids tho. And that's another thing. Trips! I took 5 kids to the beach this summer for a week. Try getting all the stuff you need for that in a minivan, with the 5 kids.

So that was in 2005. We bought a bottom of the barrel used 2003 suburban. We were buying it for room, not for luxury. It was not uncommon for me to have 5 children under the age of 5. At that time I stayed home and was kind of the family babysitter. Which I loved by the way. So when I drove that truck and always had lots of babies, cleanliness was at the bottom of the list. You want french fries? Well, if it will make you stop screaming and hitting the child next to you then here are your french fries. The truck did not have leather. I had never had a vehicle with leather. I had never driven a daycare van either. BIG mistake. One time one of those convenient little tubs of caramel that come with the convenient apple slices got spilled between car seats in the 3rd row. I had NO idea how to clean that up. My solution, tear open paper sack and stick over sticky mess to keep sticky mess from getting on children.

Now I have a new suburban. I've had it for a couple of years, and it was used, but it's still my new one. My hubby turned the old one into a work truck and I just thought it was bad before!

My only demand with the new one was that it have leather! One of those DVD players would have been nice, but maybe next time. I almost only ever tote children small enough for booster seats now, so surely they're old enough to not make such messes as the did before. WRONG!

Whenever my kids tear stuff up, which is just about daily, I say "I just can't have anything nice!" I always say I won't buy new furniture or anything until they're gone. I did however save up and buy the nicest fridge I could cause I've never owned a new fridge. One of the drawers is already broke. I should have known better!

So now I add my truck to long list of things I give up on keeping nice. These are the things I should have done the day I brought it home.

What to do when you come home with your new vehicle:

Take muddy shoes and drag across ceiling of vehicle to simulate small children climbing over seats.

Take those same muddy shoes and rub on the backs of the 1st and 2nd row seats. Depending on how many rows you have.

Place crayons on different surfaces and leave for a weekend in 100 degree weather.

Poke pencils in leather seats to make designs of your choosing.

Spill sticky unidentifiable substances into all cup holders.

Cram used chewing gum into any small hole. The holes in the seats where the belt buckles go are a popular choice.

Take a set of bicycle handle bars and run down each side of vehicle.

If you do have a 3rd row, you're probably not going to climb back there very often, so the floor back there will be a great place to store all your trash.

Take some toys, backpacks, lunch boxes, whatever and slam around back doors to simulate children climbing into car and slamming there stuff all over it.

Have small children drive bicycles and big wheels into it. Every side.

Go ahead and jam 2 cds at a time into the cd player. Make sure they're good and stuck.

If you have a back windshield wiper, go ahead and hang on that til it falls off. Same with the rear view mirror.

If you have pockets on the back of any seats this will be a good place for your left over fast food. Shove it down in there so no one notices til it really starts smelling. Under the seats is another good place for food.

Get you a pack of Dum Dums, suck on a few of them for a minute and then throw those down on the carpet. Make sure they're good and stuck. Any kind of dipping sauce or any liquid for that matter will also go nicely on the carpet as well.

Randomly throw some rocks at it. Make sure you get at least one good hit on the windshield.

Get your hands nice and nasty and put them on all the inside windows. Go ahead and press your face to them and give them a lick too.

And last but not least, put a first aid kit in the back. And if you have little girls, an extra thing of hair ties never hurts.

There you go. I'm sure I didn't cover everything, but you get the point. The sooner you get it over with, the sooner you can be over it and except that as long as you're a parent, you just can't have anything nice!

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